How many hands is it please?

I know, I know. I am deeply flawed. I have strayed like a lost sheep. How can I expect you to forgive me? But it's tough man. You know, there I was having the time of my life when suddenly - wham - I'm back behind a desk dealing with the terminally dull. You try it - it sucks like a big sucker with extra sucky bits all around the edge. It drains the soul. It dulls the spirit. It fucks you in the head then vomits on your feet, and it doesn't even wash up the breakfast things.

Anyway, I want to tell you about two things. First of all, I seem to have lost my capacity for drinking Guinness, for after half-a-dozen odd pints on Sunday afternoon I felt rough for two and half days. No - three things - sorry. Second thing, er, the Lee Miller exhibition at the National Portrait Gallery is sensationally good. There's a picture - up there - just above this - and thats pure class in my book. I went with an expert and gained knowledge of the inner working of the photographer's psyche, and it's not pretty. Lots of goo and soggy hankies.

Third thing - I have a new local. Well, it's new to me - but it wasn't that new to Lord Nelson and Lady Hamilton who were known to perform karaoke there on Saturday evenings between bouts of snogging, belching and boozing. Now it's gone all posh and serves luverly grub all done up like a dog's dinner. Meet me there - just say when and I will appear like a vision with sparkly knobs on. It's called The Gun and I like very much.

I am addicted to Rufus Wainwright. I am excited that Laurie Anderson is playing at the Barbican in May. Nitin Sawney is playing at Shepherds Bush Empire. These are a few of my favourite things and that makes London scoubidoulicious.

I will devote more time to you over Easter, I promise.

Thanks for all your messages - some of them very funny, and some of them very sad. Now here's one of my favourite hymns, and I know it's one of yours too Mrs Smithers in Bolton: Be Thou My Vision. [The last paragraph is best read in a Thira Hird stylee, and if you have trouble with that, just ask me. A bit of background organ music wouldn't go amiss either, if you could arrange it Mr Rosen.]